Mother and Daughter Pen Pals...A Window into my Daughter's Feelings

I, long ago, stumbled upon an article or blog where a mother and young daughter wrote letters to one another in a notebook.  That one notebook became volumes of notebooks over the years.  Lil' Miss couldn't even write her name at that time, so I just filed it away in the back of my mind for sometime down the road. We have arrived!

This week, I pulled out an empty journal that I had received as a gift years so long ago that I can't even remember who gifted it to me.  I talked to Lil' Miss to see if she wanted to be pen pals.  I would write a one-page letter to her and then turn the journal over to her and she'd get a brand new page to write a letter back to me.  To say it was the idea was well-received would be an understatement. I have to say for a kindergarten student she is an extremely dedicated writer. In her spare time, she LOVES to make cards and write notes for family members. While I was prepping Thanksgiving dinner, she made cards for everyone to wish them a happy Thanksgiving and thank them for joining us.  All her idea! I just supply the paper around here. She has a big heart and manners to boot!

The first night I wrote her a quick note for her telling her how excited I was to be her new pen pal. 

There are a lot of things I did not consider when undertaking this journey.  She is a kindergarten student. No big words, no cursive, and no sloppy penmanship.  In reality, a quick note is really not that quick when you have to bust out your kindergarten teacher penmanship.  

The next night, I sat down to read my first letter from Lil' Miss.  It wasn't how far she has come in the last few months with spelling and penmanship that surprised me the most.  It was the emotion and insecurity that came through near the end of her letter.  

"...I love you so much. I hope that you love me too..."

I felt like I'd been hit by a proverbial ton of bricks.  How can she not know?  Does she really doubt my love?  What am I doing wrong?  

Suddenly, my fun little experiment to help develop writing skills became about a lot more.  It was a new window into our mother-daughter relationship.  This year has brought so many changes to our family-Jr.'s arrival, the start of kindergarten, and just last month my departure from my part-time job that I'd held for the last 9 years.  In the whirlwind of all this change, I think I somethings have went awry.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  

The letter I wrote back affirming my love is little reassurance and cannot truly convey the depth of my love for her.  There really are no words to describe the intensity of a mother's love for her child. In these moments, I am thankful for the events that led me leaving my job(even though I miss working) because I need to slow down and truly be the parent I've always aspired to be. I am going to try harder every single day.  I will not let my sweet child feel doubt or despair caused by me.

Children don't come with instructions and we really have to just figure it out as we go along.  I am sure glad I took one little idea that I stumbled upon years ago. The letters have opened a door to what I hope well be a more nurtured relationship. I am looking forward to hopefully what will be years and years of letters to one another.  Perhaps, someday she will look back at our story we are creating and feel encompassed by her mother's love.