Sunday the Not-so-fun-day

It's just another manic Monday
I wish it were Sunday
'Cause that's my fun day
My I don't have to run day...


Ha! Clearly, The Bangles did not have children when they released that hit.  Nearly every Sunday, I spend the day preparing for the week ahead. I chop, dice, cook, and bake for the week ahead. We do multiple loads of laundry. I bathe the children. And I finish off the day by mopping the kitchen once the children are in bed.  I might not be running, but there is a quite a bit of hustling.  Its a good thing I have a tiny kitchen.  Perhaps, next week I'll strap on a pedometer for grins. It does help make the Mondays less manic, but it is not a fun day.

Today, as I was sitting watch the kids play together in the bath(and Jr.'s graduation to the big tub) I realized that I wasn't even soaking in the adorableness of my kids. My mind was spinning! Jeez, when was the last time I scrubbed the tub?  What load of laundry should I do next? Are the diapers dry? Why is Mr. Cheaper not vacuuming? He better not be parked on the couch! Am I the only one who gives a darn about the state of the house?! Did the leftovers from dinner get put away?  Jeez! I should be paying more attention to this baby in the tub! Maybe I should be taking pictures to humiliate them as adults? Are we done with this bath yet? I have mopping to do yet!

This is not how I want to spend my family time.  I want to spend my Sunday evening reading books(not folding laundry while Lil' Miss reads her books to me).  I want to play board games together. And laugh together as we make memories.  How the heck do I get there? If I don't prep for the week, we end up eating Taco Bell. And then, I am mired in mom guilt about that.  Or I end up cranky and yelling because I am trying unsuccessfully to get dinner on the table in a timely fashion.  And then we are late launching the bedtime sequence which involves a more widespread and deep-seated level of cranky.

Honestly, I sometimes have no clue how to get this whole mom thing down.  There is no manual. Ninety percent of parenting is subjective. I just hope that when my kids are grown they know that even though I was one cranky SOB at times, it was really because I was trying so hard to be the best mom possible. Every year. Every week, Every day, I woke up and fell asleep trying to be always be better for them.

Mother and Daughter Pen Pals...A Window into my Daughter's Feelings

I, long ago, stumbled upon an article or blog where a mother and young daughter wrote letters to one another in a notebook.  That one notebook became volumes of notebooks over the years.  Lil' Miss couldn't even write her name at that time, so I just filed it away in the back of my mind for sometime down the road. We have arrived!

This week, I pulled out an empty journal that I had received as a gift years so long ago that I can't even remember who gifted it to me.  I talked to Lil' Miss to see if she wanted to be pen pals.  I would write a one-page letter to her and then turn the journal over to her and she'd get a brand new page to write a letter back to me.  To say it was the idea was well-received would be an understatement. I have to say for a kindergarten student she is an extremely dedicated writer. In her spare time, she LOVES to make cards and write notes for family members. While I was prepping Thanksgiving dinner, she made cards for everyone to wish them a happy Thanksgiving and thank them for joining us.  All her idea! I just supply the paper around here. She has a big heart and manners to boot!

The first night I wrote her a quick note for her telling her how excited I was to be her new pen pal. 

There are a lot of things I did not consider when undertaking this journey.  She is a kindergarten student. No big words, no cursive, and no sloppy penmanship.  In reality, a quick note is really not that quick when you have to bust out your kindergarten teacher penmanship.  

The next night, I sat down to read my first letter from Lil' Miss.  It wasn't how far she has come in the last few months with spelling and penmanship that surprised me the most.  It was the emotion and insecurity that came through near the end of her letter.  

"...I love you so much. I hope that you love me too..."

I felt like I'd been hit by a proverbial ton of bricks.  How can she not know?  Does she really doubt my love?  What am I doing wrong?  

Suddenly, my fun little experiment to help develop writing skills became about a lot more.  It was a new window into our mother-daughter relationship.  This year has brought so many changes to our family-Jr.'s arrival, the start of kindergarten, and just last month my departure from my part-time job that I'd held for the last 9 years.  In the whirlwind of all this change, I think I somethings have went awry.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  

The letter I wrote back affirming my love is little reassurance and cannot truly convey the depth of my love for her.  There really are no words to describe the intensity of a mother's love for her child. In these moments, I am thankful for the events that led me leaving my job(even though I miss working) because I need to slow down and truly be the parent I've always aspired to be. I am going to try harder every single day.  I will not let my sweet child feel doubt or despair caused by me.

Children don't come with instructions and we really have to just figure it out as we go along.  I am sure glad I took one little idea that I stumbled upon years ago. The letters have opened a door to what I hope well be a more nurtured relationship. I am looking forward to hopefully what will be years and years of letters to one another.  Perhaps, someday she will look back at our story we are creating and feel encompassed by her mother's love.